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i love farmers

of all the commercials during the 47th superbowl, this, the paul harvey dodge ad, hit me the hardest.

back in 2009, my father in law had major heart surgery; my husband being the good son that he is stayed w/ him for several weeks helping him recuperate.  my father in law lives in manteno, illinois, a very small, very very rural town.  i would often make the drive out to see my husband (who was actually my boyfriend at the time) for *ahem* “conjugal” visits.  those trips were about an hour long drive from our home in indiana, very peaceful, long stretches of road w/ homes sprinkled here and there.  the thing that stood out the most during these trips was the lack of farms.  or rather – the lack of active farms.  there was no lack of farming structures – barns, silos, pens that once held cattle, livestock.  even the landscape was barren.  no lush crops of amber waves of grain, or corn, or anything really.  i’d see the occasional soy field, and even the corn.  lots of small homestead gardens.  but farming itself – only the remnants were left behind.

seeing it made me understand.  it was a depressing thought.  because, regardless the fact that i  could never survive the farming life (really – wake up at the butt crack of dawn to milk cows, gather eggs, feed livestock, etc and so on, w/out messing up my hair so the boys would think i was hot?  no, not for me.), it’s importance was never lost on me.  i grew up in superior, wisconsin – we were a small city, surrounded by many many farming communities.  we grew up learning about agriculture, what farming was.  i personally knew farmers – people who earned their living growing the land, rearing our food.  i had an aunt who lived exclusively on her own garden vegetables, and she composted everything.  the land was a gift that gave and gave and gave. and as long as we “nurtured” it, it would continue to give to eternity and beyond.

growing up in chicago illinois did not keep these lessons near and dear to my heart.  how could they?  chicago is an urban metropolis.  very limited access to “nature” as god intended unless you venture out of the city.  people there are just worried about survival, and everything was about business.  farming was not thought about.  we took for granted our food supply.

but even now, venturing out of the city does not guarantee a rural settng.  not w/ all the overdeveloped land, and grossly populated countryside.  fields that once belonged to farming sold to developers.

and then there is the issue of our seed supply being manipulated by greedy opportunists, like monsanto, who is the devil in disguise.  buying seed lots, changing the genetic structure to produce a “super” seed, trying to punish those who would dare to farm au natural (due to land purchasing / seed rights).  farmers having to sell their soul because how do you compete w/ volume, which allows for cost reduction, which = cuts to your own bottom line? and of course there’s the “super” livestock, reared on antibiotics and diets NOT created by nature.  big money has gotten to them too.

how is the american farmer supposed to compete w/ corporations?  why has farming been allowed to die?  does anyone even care?  call me a bleeding heart, blah blah blah.  thanks to my ability to get away from mass cult like religions, i realized as the wiccans, and the native americans, etc. that the earth will take care of us, if we take care of it.  food supply is a huge part of this.

and it always seems, that every answer that involves the downfall of society, goes back to the dollar.  every single institution has been affected by the dollar.

i hope other people were paying attention to the paul harvey narrative.  every other commercial paled in comparison.

message received paul, message received.

observations:

taking a pathophysiology course is NOT the best idea for hypochondriacs.  i am currently on the cardiovascular & respiratory module and things are not going well for me.    so far, i have “experienced” left/right sided heart failure, systolic/diastolic heart failure, myocarditis, myocardial ischemia, ischemic heart disease, infective endocarditis, and mitral valve prolapse.  i haven’t even made it to the respiratory chapter yet, and i’m not feeling too hopeful that i’ll make it out alive.  i thought about quitting several times over this past week – hypochondria is not fun.  and 98% of the time i am able to control the thoughts and sensations that come w/ it.  i think the cardiovascular chapter is affecting me the way it is because heart disease killed both my parents.  and although my heart is normal in every way, and i have no physical defects, it is still something that weighs heavy on my mind.   i am not a quitter, so, i just have to find a way to strengthen my coping mechanisms, and maybe even up my physical activity, while working on these chapters.

if i don’t do well w/ the billing and coding (not likely), i think i’ll go into accounting.  i love money, and i love organization, and managing facts.  i am not so much about finance – investing is exciting, but there are no hard and fast rules, just mainly predictive trends; and because i am a perfectionist, the idea that i could mismanage money would bother me.  so, accounting would be my next love.  cost, receivables, payables – my loves.

i am now caught up on all 3 seasons of downton abbey.  i realized while watching it that i totally would have rocked that time period.  i have never believed that i was supposed to be born in 1970, i have always known i am “older”.  the thing is – i could just as easily live the life of the granthams as i could the servants.  i would not, however, be able to pull off “proper” – ever.  mary is awesome w/ her affected speech, and beauty, and grace and charm.  but it’s sybil’s air that suits me.  the fact that she rebelled against convention for love won me over.  and while the dowager countess lady violet is quite the sassy dame, cora’s mother (shirley maclaine’s character) is more my style – w/ her blunt honesty, and disregard for “stuffy” customs.

i have taken zero pictures so far this year.  of anyone or anything.  well, i did take some pictures of an item i listed on ebay – nine male nudists.  a book full of naked men.  i know it seems strange that i would even want to part w/ it, but i need words in my books,  and really, if the penis is not touching me – it’s useless.

i pray for menopause weekly.  menstruation messes everything up in my life.

since this is the second winter in a row that this phenomena has occurred, i can state confidently that not having winter weather from thanksgiving on creates a physical depression in my body.  it creates a kind of “death” lull.  it is not natural.  i am not one of those people who hates snow, regardless that i don’t like to be cold.  i need it.  we all need it.  i do not understand people who try to debunk global warming.  nature runs a very specific course – it is a course that makes sense, it follows the laws of science.  and the only times it’s ever been truly jacked involves humans.  i don’t know if i can handle another winter like this one.  i don’t like how it makes me feel.

 1/28 – i can’t post anymore of my observations – sybil died in last night’s episode of downton.  i sat and cried like a baby.   

interference

i don’t know what made me think of this.  maybe it was the conversation i had w/ my girl last night – she called me upset about something, and i, naturally, started going into what she calls my “serious mom spiel” – the spiel that is meant to give pointers and advice, and help save her from unnecessary drama. i accept that i will likely never stop interfering when it comes to her, my child, fruit of my womb.  blah blah blah.

but, i did realize that i no longer interfere when it comes to other people.  there’s a certain freedom in that.  in the past, whenever someone would mention some travesty, i always had something to offer, whether they asked for help or not.  and i have learned that people just don’t like that type of “help”.  i don’t think it has anything to do w/ whether what i was saying was right or wrong, or smart, or whatever.  it just wasn’t wanted.

and of course, since i’m slow, it would take me awhile to figure this out, because i also learned that people will smile in your face and agree w/ you, but then turn around and do something contrary.  this naturally would make me think they didn’t trust me, or whatever odd reason suited me.  but mostly – it would make me feel bad.  about myself.

now?  i just don’t give a fuck about other people’s problems.  that’s not to say that i won’t listen if someone needs an ear (which is, i think, what most people want anyway).

i’ve already practiced my own version of “blissful ignorance”.  now if someone asks me if i know blah blah blah, i lie.  i know nothing.even if i’ve read a facebook status where someone is talking about something that i think i could offer a suggestion, i just scroll on by.  in the past i would have to comment.  have.to.  i think every once in a blue moon i relapse, but never anything too hardcore.  i just pick myself up and move on.

i keep discovering all these freedoms that come w/ old age.  and they are awesome.  i no longer feel bad about myself, what i know, or don’t know.  and if 42 is this awesome, i can only imagine what the 50′s will bring.

2013 is on its way, and i can’t wait.

that really isn’t true – i can wait.  i actually have very good impulse control.

anyway, goals for the new year:

follow my own rules.  i am pretty good about disciplining myself, and i think i have a healthy work/play attitude.  but i need to fine tune certain things that will benefit me in the long run.  and by long run i mean my life span.

eat more chick peas

stop wearing my hair in a ponytail.  i think i’m balding because of it.

read 2 books a month

finish painting my living room (i started this last january, still not finished)

i really want to learn how to play guitar.  i saw an infomercial with some guy who made it look so easy.  and now that i know what a fret is, i think it would be a tragedy to never pick up a guitar.

LEARN HOW TO HULA HOOP.  this one has been haunting me.  i actually use the hoop for range of motion exercises since my hip surgery.  but i am still not having success keeping the hoop up where it belongs.

of course i am still working on my billing/coding classes.  but i do need to go back to work this year.  i like money, but i don’t want a full time job.  and i don’t want to sell my soul.  i will find the happy medium.

drink more wine.  it is delicious.

love more, laugh more.

it used to be when i was younger that the even numbered years were my best years.  but since my 30′s the trend has been the odd numbered years.  2013 will be no different.  especially since the sum of the year digits is 6, and i am a 3 so it just makes sense to me.

i am going to publish this now and not send it to drafts.

fuck!  i forgot to mention what i did right in 2012:

let go of explanations.  i do not feel the need to explain myself to anyone.  ever.  i do not feel like i owe anyone.  i do not feel bad about my perspective, interpretations, et al.  for years i felt like i had to explain my hardcore stances on what i believe, how i feel, etc.  and i don’t.  ever.the.fuck.again.

i am still smart.  smart enough to know that i cannot ever limit myself, my brain.  i don’t have a classical kind of intelligence and i use to feel so INADEQUATE because of this.  now i just don’t give a fuck.  i quit judging myself over the things i have failed at, the ridiculously foolish choices i made in the past, things i did that hurt me.  i stopped being my enemy.  i think it is just a new kind of maturity.

i am always laughing.  i think this is why i don’t have heart disease.  and why i still have my gallbladder.  i do not have to have the last word, and i do not have to be right all the time.  the only thing i am still ridiculously serious about – cleaning.  because it feels right.  other than that – NOTHING is fatal.

the end.

halloween vacation

i’ve been on halloween vacation for all of october so far.  it’s been awesome.  and much needed, since i am still recovering from my total hip replacement.  this is my 2nd one in 9 years, and i am very happy that this is over for awhile – at least until i need a revision.

this year has flown by so fast, and i think it is mostly due in part to me being returned to a state of…me.  for the past 5 years, since the end of my 2nd marriage, i think i was just gathering information about myself – what do i want to do, why am i still awesome, what do i need?  i think that once i reconciled my anger over the feeling that i had wasted 12 years of my life w/ the 2nd husband that it made it easier for me to answer those questions.  my ego simply could not handle that my time was wasted.  and it also couldn’t handle that i felt duped by someone i was very much in love w/ for a long time, even to a fault.  forgiving people is awesome – but it isn’t healthy if you’re forgiving w/out allowing real feelings of hurt and anger to run their course – in your blood, and your brain, in your heart and your tears.  i don’t like to linger in painful feelings – they’re not fun!  but you can’t be whole unless you do.  i have had to learn this, the hard way as usual.

however, nothing is more important to me than me right now.  i have come to a comfortable place of never having to explain myself to anyone ever again.  about anything.  i owe no one anything.  my story is a little different because i’ve lost my mother.  i raised myself.  i really did. and that was another anger issue i had  is that when my mother died not one single motherfucker asked me what i wanted.  no one asked me where i wanted to live, who i wanted to be w/, nothing.  and as a 12 year old i thought this was okay – but it wasn’t.  the well meaning adults in my life made all the decisions for me, w/ no regard for the effect it was going to have.  i learned, very painfully, that it played a huge role in the way that i cope and relate to others – my ability to distance myself completely from people i love was born out of these circumstances, and it isn’t healthy.

it is funny to me that having a baby 22 years ago helped me to grow up and understand how important it is to stay connected to those you love.  i have not had that luxury by way of my own family – i am speaking of the well meaning adults.  and i no longer have any desire to be close to them.   forgiveness isn’t the issue.  it was the ability to recognize the fucked upness of the situation for what it was.

i’ve spent too much time talking about those issues, and i will likely never discuss them again.  but they were important to me – these feelings i was having were coloring the perceptions i’ve had about myself for quite awhile, and i am happy to say they no longer do.  i thought that i heard the sound of my own voice when i was 32 – i obviously wasn’t paying as close attention as i thought i was!

so here i am – 4 classes down towards my goal of becoming a certified medical biller and coder, only 9 classes left!  i will start my 2nd cluster the first week of november (when halloween vacation is officially over).  i’ve actually been thinking of pursuing work on the clinical side too – like becoming a nursing assistant, or even a nurse.  for now, i would just like to get through these classes and see where it takes me.

in other news, my daughter’s boyfriend proposed to her on their recent vacation!  i have always been the mom who felt that if my daughter never marries, i am very okay w/ that.  both her father and i are on our 3rd spouse each, so i know on some level my daughter has inherited our disasterous track record.  but i like her boyfriend, he’s a good guy, AND he puts up w/ her sloppiness so….he must really love her.

i am mostly excited though that next may she will be graduating from college.  this is more important to me than anything else in the world.  because i was the girl who sold out, and quit. i traded all my excitement about college and career life for marriage and pregnancy.  i gave up on myself, i underestimated myself.  and so i dedicated myself to being the best mom i could be.  and i feel a sense of vindication for not being what i thought i should have been.  and i did not fail my own child in the way i felt that others had failed me.   my girl was paying attention to the words i was saying.  she was listening to my story of regret, and shame, and embarrassment; she knew of the tears and the struggles, and the guilt.  i did not want her to wear my shoes, ever.  i wanted her to have more than me.  be more than me.  go further than me.  i didn’t want her to sell herself short, or accept less than what she’s worked for, or committed to, or invested in.

and i found myself in my own words.  and i’ve been so busy celebrating new discoveries about me that i haven’t had the time, or energy, to feel like a hypocrite for not paying attention to my own advice.
so this is where i am.  and this is the place to be.   it’s not the place to stay because i have to keep moving forward.  but for now i am at home w/ myself.  and that’s all that really matters.

 

 

i just went and saw “snow white and the huntsman” last night.  i liked it – it got a little slow in a few places, but i am an action packed renegade so i suppose it makes sense that i can’t handle lulls.

anyway, this movie is visually stunning, and powerful; ravenna’s presence is awe inspiring regardless whether you admire evil or not.

but what this story possesses in glamor and magical excitement and forces of good vs. evil, it lacks in creating a beautiful relationship between an elder woman and her younger progeny, albeit step progeny.

i was also highly aware of this dysfunctioning style relationship when i watched “tangled” w/ my granddaughter last year.  the premise is that some older woman has “lost” her beauty to the years, and then there is some magical youth who possesses all that the “old” woman desires – her goal then becomes to take away the young girl’s power and destroy her.

first of all – seriously?   as a 42 year “old” woman, w/ a total left hip replacement, very non perky boobs, scattered grays, a couple crows feet, and fat where it never belongs – i would not trade any of it for my 20 somethings.  seriously.  the stress and anxiety and general lack of knowing – not fun.  even the confidence level – the insecurities i felt about being good enough, or smart enough, or what do i do? etc and so on.  no thanks.  and i can’t forget the men – the calibre of men you attract in your 20′s is nothing like the calibre of men you attract in your 40′s. yes, the assclowns are still out there, but they will not approach you seriously anyway.  once they get a whiff of your super awesomeness, they retreat back to their mother’s basement.  but the intelligent man?  will not retreat, and will pursue.  i suspect it has something to do w/ the confidence level of a 40 something – we don’t feel “bad” about kicking a man to the brick wall w/ our comfortable shoes when they can’t get w/ our program.  our power is not in our vaginas like we once were brainwashed to believe – but it is in fact the very heart of who we are.  (admittedly, having a vagina IS awesome, and i have learned that men, even the smart ones, will generally do ANYTHING to get to it.  that is a pretty cool feature of being a woman.)

and that is not to say that young women are stupid, or incapable of doing what a 40 something can do.  we just have less strings and baggage attached to our freedom.

as for the issue of beauty – beauty is what you do.  the vain and narcissistic will never know this truth.  but it is fact.  beauty is not about your face, or your body (although taking care of yourself is NOT to be frowned upon; i am strictly talking about the natural progression of aging that occurs).  beauty is always about what you do, who you are in your darkest hours.

granted, the movie DID do a good job of highlighting this fact, so i have no problem w/ that.

but i do have a big problem w/ the relationships between the stepmother and her stepdaughter.    and even w/ tangled – the old witch was NOT a stepmother to rapunzel, so the portrayal could be any female relationship.

i can count on one hand the times in my life where i have truly felt jealous of another girl – 1 of those times actually had to do w/ how pretty she was; the rest were because the girl was SMARTER THAN ME.  maybe 1 or 2 were because they had big boobs, and i had none.  regardless.  i have not spent a lot of time disliking other women because of their looks – wishing i could look like them or have what they have.  and like i said – for the most part my envy involved the brain.  i was the girl who was more offended if someone thought i was dumb than if they thought i was pretty.  i have my mother to thank for this.

if anything, i have always wanted to be surrounded by beauty, and that includes women who are beautiful.  mind you – if you are physically beautiful, and your personality reveals you are a conniving manipulative selfish spoiled bitch – you’ve got to go!  ravenna would have never survived in my circle.  she would be outcast immediately.  women like that will drain you.  i want to be around women who build each other up.  not sycophants, or passive agressives, but women who know the sound of their own voice.  women you walk away from thinking “she is awesome, i feel comfortable sharing w/ her”.  you feel uplifted.

and if i happen to not be feeling so excited about my life, or my big goiter head?  i still want to be around beauty.  i don’t want to steal it, or destroy it.  i want to be surrounded by it.  there is something healing about beauty.  it envelopes you, bathes you, warms you in all that it is.

as a woman we have got to start appreciating this.  in each other.  including the generations after us.  if you are older, and not feeling so great about yourself, do something to change it.  but don’t destroy the very thing you covet.  and why do you covet it?  that is the important question.  the truth is we all possess it – at all ages, in all forms.  some women resign themselves to some sort of “ugly asylum”.  we live in a society, dominated by vain men, who tend to decide our worth for us.  i am not so much disturbed by the men as i am about the WOMEN who banish their female counterparts to the ugly asylum.

and here i was, for the most part enjoying a movie where such a relationship was subconsciously reinforcing this notion that women must compete w/ each other for of all things….beauty.  and it also reinforces the notion that if you’re unhappy you must tear down others to find your power.

i think about my daughter, who is not only physically beautiful, but a beautiful person.  what i lack in tact, and polite manners she more than makes up for.  she is loyal and loving and she’s a great mom too.  i want her to shine, and i want other people to see that in her.  i could never imagine trying to destroy her, or tearing her down, or anything else that would damage her soul.

if i had to change any premise of the movie i would think in more symbolic terms <SPOILER ALERT DON’T READ IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO UGLY!> when  snow white kills the queen – i would liken it to her killing the ugliest part of her self which allows her true beauty to shine through.  a turning point in which she takes accountability and responds to her own life as opposed to finding fault in others.

those are the kinds of happy endings i like.

 

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